Guest Post: Out of the Mouths of Babes

Many thanks to our very first Guest-Blogger!Sarah Powers is a freelance writer and mom of two. She lives in Arizona and blogs at Powers of Mine.

One of the objectives behind this here Friendfactor blog is to help straight friends of gay folks lighten up a little. Don’t worry about not knowing what to say or asking a silly question. Just say something, or go ahead and ask, and if it’s done in the spirit of friendship, it’s all good.

Usually well-meaning adults have these kinds of hang-ups in the first place because we’re worried either about hurting someone’s feelings or about looking stupid ourselves. But if there is one demographic who I can promise you does not give a crap about looking silly or making someone else uncomfortable, it’s KIDS.

Show me a preschooler and I’ll show you at least one parent who has experienced the agony of loudly stated observations like, “Mommy! That lady has a baby in her tummy!” (when ‘that lady’ is a stout 55-year-old) or “Hey! Is that guy a football player?” (because he happens to be black) or “Is that a man or a lady?” (and you’re not actually sure of the answer yourself).

As a parent in these moments, it’s easy to want to shove the nearest handful of goldfish crackers into the mouth of your precious offspring. I believe, though, that while doing so saves on a little short-term embarrassment, it also deprives both child and parent of a valuable opportunity for discussion.

Here are some ideas for parents and friends of curious little minds on how to answer kids’ questions about gay friends and family members (or just your average same-sex couple holding hands on the street):

■Make it okay to ask. Always. No matter how inappropriate or embarrassing the comment or question (Hey! That lady is dressed like Daddy but she has huge boobs!), answer it. Yep! Isn’t it cool how men and women have so many choices about how they dress and who they hang out with?

■Keep it age-appropriate. A three-year-old isn’t thinking about sex when she asks about a classmate who has two daddies. Find out what she’s curious about, and use the opportunity to share simple things about what you believe: A lot of grown-ups fall in love with somebody and choose to get married and have kids. Sometimes it’s two mommies or two daddies, and sometimes it’s one of each like in our family.

■Don’t assume that generalizing means bias. Comments like, You can’t marry your friend Lucy – she’s a girl. That’s weird! don’t mean a child is homophobic – only that his worldview is limited. Give him a break; he’s FIVE. Don’t overreact, but do use it as a chance to say things like, Actually, you guys are lucky that when you get to be grown-ups you’ll get to marry whomever you choose to love!

■Prep your gay friends. If you’re worried about your little chatterbox saying something in the company of your gay friends that will leave everyone staring into their latte foam, have a little pow-wow first. Just say, Hey, Ava is really curious about people and the world right now. I think she’s started to notice that your relationship is different than others she’s been exposed to, so just a heads up if she asks you some questions.

■Lighten up. Chances are, you’re going to be embarrassed once or twice on the parenting journey. Guess what? You’ll be the one embarrassing your kid in ten years. Wanting to raise open-minded and sensitive future citizens is one thing; drilling them on socially acceptable LGBT terminology at the dinner table is another. In this case the most important thing you can do is to model kindness. To everybody. All the time. End of story.
Preschoolers’ brains are primed to notice differences (remember that Sesame Street jingle? One of these things is not like the other…): colors, shapes, numbers, patterns, and, yes, demographics we’re not always comfortable discussing. Is the message we want to send that observing and discussing (and the next step, accepting) differences in people is somehow wrong? That while we teach tolerance in schools and pay lip service to equal rights, that simply pointing out an obvious difference, without any judgment or disrespect, is around the same place on the taboo continuum as passing gas in public?

Because that’s what they’ll learn. They’ll learn not to ask questions or make innocent observations. They’ll hear us say that differences are to be celebrated, but see in our flushed and hurried expressions that we don’t actually want to talk about them in public. They’ll learn that they’re supposed to accept, but may never really understand what it is they’re accepting. And then we’ll be right back where we started, in a forum like this one for people who want to support their friends but are afraid of saying the wrong thing.

So, let’s leave the next generation better of than we are, shall we? Let’s teach them to be sensitive and politically correct, but on top of those things let’s free them from the fear of saying the wrong thing by embracing their questions and answering them honestly right from the start. So that 25 years from now they won’t need the Friendfactor blog; they’ll just need their friends.

Reposted from Friendfactor.

Same-sex Parenting Case to Ohio Supreme Court

Updates: Case Number 2010 - 0276 (Re: Lucy Kathleen Mullen) - See oral arguments at Ohio Supreme Court - more.

Here is the case that is referred to in the testimony in Re: Lucy Kathleen Mullen.  Case Number 2001 - 0625 (Teri J. Bonfield and Shelly M. Zachritz) - See oral arguments at Ohio Supreme Court  - more.

Goodbye, Mom and Dad. Hello, Parent One and Parent Two.

Parent One, Parent Two to replace references to

mother, father on passport forms

By Mary Beth Sheridan and Ed O'Keefe, Washington Post Staff Writers. Friday, January 7, 2011

The State Department has decided to make U.S. passport application forms "gender neutral" by removing references to mother and father, officials said, in favor of language that describes one's parentage somewhat less tenderly.

The change is "in recognition of different types of families," according to a statement issued just before Christmas that drew widespread attention Friday after a Fox News report.

The announcement of the change was buried at the end of a Dec. 22 news release, titled "Consular Report of Birth Abroad Certificate Improvements," that highlighted unrelated security changes.

The new policy is a win for gay rights groups, a vocal and financially generous Democratic voting bloc that has pushed for the change since Barack Obama began his presidential transition in late 2008. The decision follows last month's vote to end the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy, which gay leaders consider one of their biggest victories in years.

Fred Sainz, vice president of the Human Rights Campaign, a gay rights advocacy group, called the news "a positive step forward for all American families. It was time that the federal government acknowledged the reality that hundreds of thousands of kids in this country are being raised by same-sex parents."

Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council, blasted it as reflecting the "topsy-turvy world of left-wing political correctness."

"This is clearly designed," he said in a statement, "to advance the causes of same-sex 'marriage' and homosexual parenting without statutory authority, and violates the spirit if not the letter of the Defense of Marriage Act," the federal law that defines marriage as between one man and one woman.

He called on Congress to take action.

It was not immediately clear whether a similar change would be made to all federal documents. But after Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton announced in 2009 that partners of gay American diplomats would be eligible for benefits accorded to spouses, the rest of the U.S. government followed suit.

In 2000, Clinton was the first wife of a president to march in a gay-pride parade, and as secretary of state she has advocated on behalf of gay rights. In a speech in June she said the United States "was elevating our rights dialogues with other governments and conducting public diplomacy to protect the rights of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender persons."

Rosemary Macray of the State Department Bureau of Consular Affairs shrugged off complaints of political correctness and described the switch as an unremarkable bureaucratic tweak.

"Really, there have been so many changes in the last 10 or 15 years with reproductive technology and the like, and so this is why it is important for us to accurately reflect families in these applications," she said.

The DS-11 form is required of first-time passport applicants and children younger than 16. The change will go into effect Feb. 1 and will be part of an already-scheduled revision of passport forms, Macray said.

"It's not going to really involve any expense to taxpayers," she said.

sheridanm@washpost.com ed.okeefe@washingtonpost.com